The Unanticipated Pain of Integrity & Letting Go

The truth is, there is growth in pain. It's not often the place we want to find it, but that's where we access it at the deepest level.

There are things in life that we aren't always prepared for. Decisions that we make that lead to unanticipated pain and hurt, but we know these decisions are made for our highest integrity.

Integrity has been a powerful word for me in the past year.

Integrity means the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles. It is a person who displays a principled dedication to values and beliefs.

But nobody tells you how hard integrity can be. That this word associated with positive weight can also bear a great amount of pain, confusion and inner conflict.

My greatest desire is to have soul-filled, deep connections and relationships. But I am seeing how in the process of staying committed to this desire- staying in integrity- unanticipated pain around letting go and accepting certain relationships as they are has surfaced. Confusion sets in as I feel an internal tug-of-war between falling into past patterns of the ways things used to be and my soul knowing it's ready for a new way.

With this desire for true connection, is a pain that comes in friendships that nobody really prepares us for. A pain that comes when a connection that was once there, no longer is. And when pieces of you that used to be compatible, no longer are.

Throughout our life, we are aware that romantic relationships may end and that someone who once was your “everything person,” may no longer be in your life. But when it comes to friendships, we aren’t really given a heads up that these relationships are ones that we may need to let go of too.

That in the changing seasons of life, friendships can also change. And just as naturally as leaves fall and drift away, so too can the people who once were closest to you.

So the questions that have come up strongly for me as I navigate this season of my life is:

How do I stay committed to my truest soul desires and stand in integrity to what my values are in the now?

How do I refrain from abandoning myself in the quest of seeking true love and connection?

How do I continue to let go and accept things as they are as a commitment to myself and the things I truly want to fill my life with?

How do I do this without creating too much space?

How do I let go just enough that it's aligned with what genuinely feels good, without causing too much disconnection and separation?

Is the fear of what would happen if I fully let go inhibiting space to take its natural place?

Is the holding on to what no longer feels aligned a form of self abandonment and keeping me from attracting the things I truly want?

The danger is, that in this holding on, expectations and anticipations come to the forefront and cause so much of our suffering because it’s a form of control that often leads to disappointment.

In this wanting, in this hoping, comes non-acceptance of reality and an attachment of an outcome that we may think is for our highest good- when maybe it's not.

Letting go doesn't always mean an ending. It could mean a recalibration- a letting go of expectations and outdated versions of one another to give space to reorient to the new.

So what I am learning, is that in this place of in-between- of holding on and letting go-to become curious:

To notice what thoughts start to surface; where I still need to work on my own internal dialogue and relationship to self; where I still can strengthen my self-worth and self-love, where I am resisting the natural change that is trying to unfold; where I am ignoring the inner whisperings of my soul and letting the limiting possibilities of the way I think things should be cloud the potential for creative possibilities to come through.

It is in this place that I am being asked to soften more, surrender deeper, inquire further, breathe fuller, accept harder, inject love and then let the fuck go.

There is pain in letting go, that is for sure. And the hardest part is that we cant always see what it is on the other side of that. What blessing and opportunities might be waiting to come in once we’ve given ourselves that space.

So this is where trust comes in. This is where absolute certainty and faith become the values we need to lean on in order to stay committed to our truest desires. This is where integrity takes center stage and becomes the anchor to which we constantly need to hold on to.