Sense of Home

The other day I was filling out a job applicaiton and one of the mandatory fields asked me to fill out my “city.” For the first time in my life, I realized I don’t have a city I belong to. I no longer have a childhood home in Boston, my family and friends are spread throughout the country from New York to Colorado to California, and I am now tranistioning from four years of living in Tel Aviv.

For many of you who know me well, my “sense of home” has been the main theme of my life over the past four years. My definition of “home” has been challenged and shaken up and completely redefined over the past four years as my family foundation fell apart with my parent’s divorce, I moved countries where I didnt know the language or have any community, and defining relationships have come and gone. It’s pretty safe for me to say that my “sense of home” has been the main source of anxiety, fear, instability, insecurity and struggle.

But as I confronted this job application question, I realized that although on paper, my “home” has never looked more unstable and ungrounded; I feel the most stable, secure, at peace and grounded that I’ve ever felt.

I realized that for so long, my sense of home has been tied to some sort of physicality- an apartment, country, city and sometimes even a person. But this has been completely redefined. For the first time I feel confident enough, no matter how cheesy or corny it sounds, to say that I have found that sense of home within myself. And also, I’ve found that my sense of home is found in the connections I have with the people I love. My sense of home is no longer defined by something physcial tying me down, but it is defined by that trust and confidence I have in myself and the people I love and surround myself with both near and far that allows me to feel free, independent but also secure and grounded.

My sense of home is the barista at my favorite local coffee shop who knows both my name and order. My sense of home is found within my best friend from college, turned Tel Aviv apartment mate and sister. My sense of home is found within my high school best friend turned roommate and brother. My sense of home is found within a stranger turned business/life partner who decided to jump into the deep end to start a business during a global pandemic. My sense of home is found within my roommate who has seen all sides of me and knows how to trigger and make me laugh more than anyone else. My sense of home is found in australian childhood friends turned into chosen Israel family.

My sense of home is love. Love for myself and those I choose to love.