I am grateful for: slowing down & "hitting a wall"

It has been awhile since I have written a post. Most of you who are following my journey might see the exciting things unfolding for me with my yoga business. Don’t get me wrong it has been so exciting and I am grateful for all the opportunities that have unfolded naturally for me in a way that is aligned with who I am and what I hope to bring to this world. 

But at the same time it has been new, overwhelming and even scary to start something that is completely my own. Something that if I decide I want to go away tomorrow, it just disappears. This is the first time I am fully responsible and accountable for the success or failure of something that is my own and holy shit is that scary. 

Over the past 5 months, I’ve felt the most creative, inspired, motivated, committed, empowered and passionate; and at the same time I’ve felt lost, depleted, fearful, vulnerable and confused. This is the duality inside of me. A duality that causes an internal tension and as I try to “make sense of it all” and “figure things out,” my energy slowly depletes. 

I finallly hit a wall. And I am so grateful for that. 

I needed to hit this wall to truly understand the power of slowing down. The power of allowing myself to just “be” without constantly “doing” or “forcing” and give myself time to reflect. 

Through this reflection, I’ve witnessed how so many of my patterns have played out over the past few weeks. 

I’ve realized that I am my greatest barrier. I am my greatest obstacle to overcome.

I have seen how my own thoughts have the ability to over-complicate things in my head which inhibits me from moving forward. How I have a tendency to over-exhaust myself with being productive or doing for others without checking in with myself first. How my belief about what it means to be successful and strong creates unnecessary expectations that weigh heavy on my shoulders. How my desire to prove myself to both myself and others, as well as, my need to control and know what lies ahead is actually a detriment to myself and what I hope to create. 

I am reminded that for someone like me, slowing down can be the hardest but most important thing I can do. It reminds me of the importance of presence. The moment I begin to think in the future and try to “figure things out,” I disconnect from what I am offering in the now and fear becomes the driving force behind my decisions and actions.

Slowing down gives me the chance to connect back inwards- to connect back to writing which I forgot is so therapeutic for me- and to sit in the “space between'' which has always been the space where my creativity and inspiration lies.

I am reminded that slowing down can actually be the best thing for my professional and personal growth. There is a fine balance between slowing down but still being proactive and taking steps towards accomplishing my goals and committing to my vision. But I truly believe slowing down and even “hitting a wall” is all part of the process, at least it is for me. I often mistake rest and slowing down as being lazy, unproductive or uncommitted. Yet, this time actually allows me to recommit to my goals, my vision, and provides the space to regain the energy I need to show up fully in a way that brings the most value to myself and to others. 

Coming from a place of lack, fear or depletion is not the precedent I want to set and it is not the groundwork I want to build myself or a business up from. I've had the millennial mentality of instant gratification and “I want this now,” but I am seeing the power of time. I want to build from a place of energy, vibrancy, connection, creativity, authenticity, inspiration and in order to do that it takes giving myself permission to slow down and recharge. 

The song "Put Down What You Are Carrying" by a favorite artists, Trevor Hall (in my Yoga 3 Playlist) has the lyric:

“Don't you go to war with yourself, it don’t look good on you. Don’t you go to war with yourself, you got other things to do. Let go, let go, let go, of everything holding you down. I know, you know, we know, the time is now. Put down what you are carrying…”

So I encourage you to ask yourself, where in your life are you going to war with yourself? Where can you slow down? Where do you feel like you're pushing or forcing? Where is fear or lack the driving force behind your actions and decisions? Where can you let go and put down the unnecessary patterns you are carrying that are stopping you from moving forward?